Final Fantasy Cake
by Gryphons Kiss
Summary: Everything you need to make a Final Fantasy Cake! The cult phenomenon has reached ff.net! Skya ha ha!


All You Need to Make A Final Fantasy Cake ^.^ 1) Basic plotline: First off, an army has to be somewhere. Anywhere. It's because of the war that will be going on between the BSB and *NSYNC fans. There just has to be an army. And it has to be filled with whiney weaklings that the main characters can easily hurt _badly_. So for argument's sake, let's say that your Final Fantasy Cake has the…I dunno…Frosting Army. ^_^ That works. And they have to be under someone, usually the main villain, who has a large empire of some sort. You still follow? Okie dokie. The plotline of your cake must have, somewhere, the rest of the following… 2) Main Character (s): The main character always has a definitive feature or fifty. Your main character must be: 

a. Named after a weather/earth element (follow the pattern here, people) 

b. Angry at the villain for whatever reason due to a long-standing personal vendetta 

c. Confused about his/her past or have something there that they didn't know that they just happen to discover over the course of the game. 

d. In love with at least one other character. 3) Supporting Characters: The other secondary characters each come in a basic format with easy to follow directions!:   
1- Love interest (usually dark haired…hmmmmm…)   
1- "Tough guy" (although level of macho-ness varies, so pick which best suits you)   
1- Unidentifiable/non-human character   
1- character that is pretty much useless   
1- character that curses a lot   
1- character that could possibly be gay   
1- character that has beef with the main person   
1- character that comes from the "other side" Which equals at least 8 secondary characters. But then again, this is your cake, put as many as you feel would float your boat ^_^   
Side note: Feel free to put in other unimportant characters at random times that say confusing things like "My spleen!" and "Put that giraffe down!" and have no real purpose. 4) The Villain Ah, the second most important person in this game! The villain, like the main character, has several [million] defining features: 

a. They have to have long hair, be it silver (oh sorry, _platinum blonde_) or not. 

b. They have to at least have something silver on them, whether it be their hair, or clothing, or a ring, or a painted toenail…whatever. 

c. The have to laugh _haughtily_. If not haughtily, then it loses the whole "I am truly evil skya ha ha!" effect. 

d. They have to have underlings to do all their dirty work for them 

e. They can't get into a real battle with the main characters until the very end, and your character can't try and kill them beforehand, because the villain always has a reason to do their trademark haughty laughter and run away. (Why? Because I said so.) 5) Assistant characters They're not _that_ important, but there are always friends of characters you, for some reason, are actually important, but never join your party (translation: fiesta, partie, beteiligtes, partito, partido…you get the picture.) Anyway, at least one of these people have to have _really_ definitive laughter, something like "Gya ha ha!" or "Gwa ha ha!" or "Monkey schlee schlee!" (Hey, I'm just makin a suggestion…) This point is very important and should never be left out! And also, there has to be a Biggs and Wedge. If not, people are going to die. >_0   
Oh yeah, and you need a Cid. Spell his name Sid though, because otherwise it gets boring. This aforementioned character does not have to be anybody important – he can be the hotdog vendor on the sidewalk for all I care. (Hey, I'm starting my _own_ tradition! >_0) 6) The Towns Ah, what's a cake without places to put the little stick figures that we pass off as characters? The towns/cities/villages/space ports/circus tents you put in your cake have to have weird names (Not Krebleckistan or Skippyville, those are too easy) that have ten thousand interpretations on pronunciation. 7) Weapons There are also certain rules that apply to weapons. There have to be swords, rods, lances, brass knuckles, and guns. (But please, no M-Phones this time >.) Those are the relatively strong ones though. Be more creative, take a step beyond, invent a weapon of your own! Like the aerodynamic frying pan, or the kazoo even! Kazoos can do a lot of damage! Honest! 8) Armor Top-of-the-line junk is all you need to protect yourself from the lame-ass enemies you will encounter while baking your cake (like the E. coli monster). But if your funds don't allow it, pots, pans, and old shoes will suffice. 9) Special Attacks Call them what you will, but everyone has to have one of these – something only they can perform. Get creative (after all this cake is made from scratch) – have someone do spinning kickflips while reciting "Three Little Indians" (that's for _extra _damage ^_^) Better yet, have someone who can KO your entire party at random! *bitter glare* 10) Magic Ah, magic…almost as confusing to figure out as the plot line. There are many aspects to magic that you just don't understand, and never will, but try your best to use it anyway: 

a. Names- call it what you will, be it Fire, or Flame, or Blizzard, or Ice, or Thunder, or Bolt….I really could care less. But the real challenge is finding something to call Gravity magic other than Demi. >_0 

b. Levels- Fira, Firaga, Blizzaga, Bolt 1, does it really matter? Heck, use a combination of the naming and levels system, I don't really care. It's just like the eggs in the cake – you don't taste 'em, but you need 'em. 

c. How to use the magic, in whatever form you make it – Trust me, take a new approach on this one. Develop a new way to use magic that will make the populous' heads hurt. Make their noses bleed. Rip out their hearts. If you're too nice of a person for that, simply compact all magic into a tiny ball that you can pelt at your enemies when they piss you off. ^_^ That works… 

d. Summons – special creatures that kick major ass _for_ you. They usually include Ifrit, Shiva, Bahamut, and Alexander. I suggest you make at least one beast of your own (that includes bunny rabbits [hey, it's been done before…]) And give this ferocious beastie a nifty name, like "Killer" or "Fluffy" or "Xythyn" or even "Fritzackro" ^_^ 11) Transportation Characters have to travel in style! So what better way to get around than by a giant blimp that says, "Come eat at Porky's Pizza, located in Sector 2,000 of Grenzibycine City"? (Damn rental agencies -_-;;;) Ok, if you don't wanna go that route, then make an airship yourself! Just make sure it's a boring color and it only has two rooms out of a possible thousand. (Because, remember, you're never actually going to need to sleep or eat or drag race on this ship, so why make any interesting rooms? [Although, actually, you _will_ need a stage for interpretive dance. Put it where the bathroom should've gone.]) 12) Money Is it shiny? Does it have an alien name? Does it come in large amounts at random times/ small amounts just when you need it most? Then you're done. 13) Other plot elements: This is "left up to interpretation". You can have any story you so desire. Just make sure it includes lots of traveling, exploring, plot twists, character secrets, etc. etc. and all the like. Make sure you thoroughly confuse the hell outta the people who are going to eat your cake. ("Is this _real_ butter?" No, later they will discover that it was margarine! Skya ha ha!) 14) Policies on Death _Someone_ has to die (other than the villain, duh) whether you like them or not. Just make it slow and gruesome and painful. Blood is optional, although it gives a little hint of something… (mint perhaps?) 15) The Ending This climax! You're done!…almost. This is where everything comes together, and everything gets resolved. Your entire cake may come out burnt with a funny smell if you don't do this right (and unless you're serving it to people you hate [which I doubt] you don't want this to happen). So the entire thing depends on your ending. This is your true time to shine plot-wise. Bottom line: sap everything up as much as you can. You want people to _cry_ because it's so good. If they don't cry, your cake sucks and you're a true disappointment to me and this entire recipe. And you don't want that, do you? >_0 16) Bake time: an insane amount of hours – remember, you have a lot to get done and a lot to resolve, and you want to keep people in suspense so that they want the cake even more! …What do you mean "That's boring, I don't wanna, let's go play tetherball"?! GET BACK HERE!!!!! 

17) Toppings Without pretty decorations, a cake it boring and dry and that's almost as bad as screwing up your ending. So you absolutely must include the following to top your cake off:   
a. the Masamune   
b. Bahamut   
c. Alexander   
d. Holy Magic   
e. Shiva   
f. Ifrit   
g. An ending to the entire planet (don't worry, it's just pretend!)   
h. WEAPON   
i. Ultima/te [insert word here]   
j. Chocobos   
k. Moogles   
l. Cid, Biggs, and Wedge   
m. Marlboros   
n. Ragnorak   
o. Mythril   
p. Kaiser Knuckle   
q. Ribbon   
  
Well, I think that's just about it! All you need to make your very own Final Fantasy Cake ^_^ If it comes out looking like a giant spongy thing resembling elf puke, don't worry, just try again. You'll get it eventually ^_^ For now, just follow this handy recipe, and you will soon find that you've created Final Fantasy MMIXV! ^_^ 


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